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| The Rosetta Nebula |
Ready?
Nearly 9 years ago, I began a spiritual quest. I was standing in my backyard, watering some plants and had an "is this all there is" moment. At the time, I owned a million dollar home, had 3 businesses—2 of which I adored, made tens of thousands of dollars a month, owned 5 paid-off vehicles including a Jag convertible and beloved Jeep Wrangler with no top or doors, and had opportunities to travel to distant lands. Yet, I felt I wanted "more."
My primary goal throughout my life has been "to understand how the universe works," though I prefer the elegant and spot-on way Einstein said it: "I want to know the thoughts of God. The rest are details" ... or something to that effect.
There have been many people who have served as role models for me. Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, The Dalai Lama—these people have reminded me of the good that exists in the present world. They give me hope that I too can conduct myself with grace and unselfed love. But one historic figure more than any other has piqued my interest in matters of character, because of the way he lived his life—because of his wisdom, humor, decisiveness, devotion, humility, patience, generosity, confidence, and unmitigated success in all his endeavors. Who is this man of mystery you may ask?
Given that so many of my Facebook friends have mentioned they believe me to be Wiccan or Pagan, it may come as a surprise that I refer to none other than Jesus—yes, that Jesus. While I don't have much in common with the way most Christian faiths regard him, never has there been a role model whom I wished to emulate more. I wanted to love in the big way he loved, to bless those around me and bring healing to those in need. In short, I wanted to be 'a disciple.' I wanted to make spirituality more than just a part of my life, but the focus of my life.
I thought about a conversation recorded in The Bible where Jesus basically told a would-be follower to divest himself of all his possessions and 'follow' Jesus. And that is exactly what I yearned to do. In the intervening years since that moment in the garden, I have indeed been divested of pretty much all of my material belongings ... of which I had many—some I let go of by choice, others by circumstance. Sometimes I miss some of them, but not enough to want them all back. Living without them has freed me in ways I never thought possible.
As I took the first steps of my journey, I was eager and zealous—prepared that there may be a few growing pains along the way, but also expecting steady progress and what others would consider a fabulous quality of life.
What I ended up facing was abject poverty, homelessness (though never out on the street), betrayal, rejection, severe illness, disappointment, discouragement ... a living hell. And not only did things not improve as time went on; by all accounts they kept getting worse! The last 2 years have been especially difficult as I went through an awful relationship with a wonderful man. I was very ill and very miserable and the situation brought out the absolute worst in me. In short, I turned into a wretched mega witch.
I got to a point where things were so bad that I logically didn't see the benefit of my existing. It looked (on paper) that those in my sphere would be better off if I were no longer part of this world. While I was not suicidal, I sure wasn't hopeful. Yes, I'd seen 'It's a Wonderful Life' ... but its lesson didn't help at such a dark time.
I prayed my little heart out daily and read and listened to everything I could get my hands on in the way of inspiring, uplifting literature and messages. I listened as best I could for divine direction, and followed my intuitions, regardless of the possible consequences. Sometimes it looked like I'd made massive mistakes—but somehow I knew this was not so. I felt in my bones that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to ... whether I liked it or not!
Did things get better? Nope, they continued to deteriorate and get exponentially worse until recently my spirit felt so broken that I could no longer envision my life being anything other than misery. I could no longer picture ever breaking free of the anguish and agony my life had become. I hadn't a clue as to what to do to claim the peace I so desperately craved. I'd devoted my all—my time, my resources, the bulk of my thoughts—to enlightenment, spiritual understanding and character reformation ... and was laid as low as one could be, short of death.
Last week, I sat contemplating another Bible figure whom I admire—one with whom I identify more closely, as he was much more of a 'regular bloke' than Jesus. Those familiar with the book of Genesis—or musical theater, for that matter—will know the story of Joseph, Jacob's favored teenage son who was tossed into a pit by his own brothers and then sold into slavery. Good egg that he was, he turned out to be the poster boy of slaves, prospering the house of his 'master' in many ways until he was accused of something he didn't do ... for allegedly forcing himself on his master's wife. In truth, the lady of the house had the hots for the comely youth and tried to seduce him. But he stood up for his integrity and refused her advances, stating that he couldn't betray his boss who had treated him so well. How was he rewarded for his loyalty? Why, he was thrown in prison!
But did this dampen his spirits? According to the narrative, nope. He went on to be a truly model prisoner, still being of service, still being a blessing to those around him. After doing a favor for a fellow inmate who was to be released, Joseph had to remain in the dungeon another 2 full years. I can't begin to fathom the discouragement, doubt, and fear he had to wrestle with and overcome.
Long story short, he did one day get out of prison. Not only that, but he was made overseer of all of Egypt, second in command only to Pharaoh. He saved the people of the region from starvation during a multi-year famine and even reconciled with his family. All in all, his saga stretched out over 13 years. Imagine going through that—13 years straight of increasing hardship ... even though you'd done nothing wrong and had done plenty right! I wonder how many of us could endure it.
In thinking about this tale, it began to dawn on me that Joseph's circumstances did not define him—not in the least! And I began to see the value of the prolonged path he took. It occurred to me that his time in the quietude of the dungeon prevented him from indulging the temptation of distractions. He was forced to deal with spiritual matters, to face his own so-called demons and foibles, to drop unhealthy habits of thought. It then occurred to me that he needed this 'alone' time to mature into the man who would be ready and able to run the country—a man whom he would have to grow into, little by little, day by day.
I then realized the same could be said for me. What had so long looked like total failure (9 years of it), like I'd been forsaken by all I held dear, was really the opportunity to reach my goal. I've been without funds and a car for awhile, so when others go off to play, I study spiritual texts and pray. I no longer own a home, which has meant that I've had far fewer nagging administrative duties and concerns. I've had nowhere to go but to God for help and answers—a god whom I view as the totally beneficent loving father-mother of all mankind.
My thought changed entirely at that moment. Instead of viewing my circumstances as being increasingly perilous and indicative of some fundamental flaw in me, I began to view them like a remote intensive training camp experience, far from the noise and bustle of everyday life. I tuned into how much I'd grown and how I was exactly where I needed to be in order to drop a ton of impositions about my character and to grow in grace ... not to mention, be of benefit to those I love. In that instant, with just that little shift of thought, my entire view of life became clear—as if a switch had been flipped. I discovered the answers I'd spent nearly a decade struggling to find.
I knew from the outset how I hoped to feel once I'd completed this initial leg of what is sure to be a life-long journey. Just 3 days ago, I came to the full realization that I've gotten all I desired and more. I've literally had my most cherished lifelong dream come true. There are no words in the English language that can express my awe and gratitude. I'm still in shock. And little by little, in just these last few days, I'm seeing my circumstances naturally start to align with my new outlook, i.e. I'm seeing greater abundance in every aspect. While it's nice to have my material needs met, nothing compares to what I've learned and gained within.
Whatever you're going through—if, like me, you've been struggling ... perhaps in dire straits both acute and chronic ... perhaps seemingly worse and more hopeless with each passing day—don't give up. Stay your course. You will, at some point, win. I promise! Whether it takes a month, a year, a decade, or a lifetime. YOU WILL WIN! Joseph did. I did. And so will you.
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