In days gone by, I used to joke about how I received at least one proposal of marriage a year. Even so, I was surprised when this 'great catch' popped the question after knowing me for a very short period of time ... I mean very short. I was also caught off guard by the way he presented the proposal ... but that's a different tale altogether.
What surprised me even more was my reticence. With maturity, I've learned to value and trust my intuition, regardless of whether it seems to make what the world would call 'good sense.' In the case of this dishy man, a red flag went up, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. What was there not to like, let alone be cautious of? So, instead of answering yes or no to the proposal, I countered with "Why don't we get to know each other first?"
Our courtship was very sweet and I enjoyed the opportunity to spend time with such a swell individual ... so much so, that I didn't notice the reasons for my intuitive red flag when they began to crop up one by one, every now and then, ever so subtly.
I should mention that to me, there is no one way to live. We're all different and go about things differently. But, there are things that work for some and not for others. Ultimately, that's what I faced. As time went on, I learned some things about this fellow that I wouldn't 'mind' or 'judge' in a friend, but would not be able to 'espouse' in my own life, i.e. he lived a lifestyle that was not for me.
I found out that his income came in the form of disability benefits and food stamps that he received even though he was in no way disabled and was quite able to work; and, in fact, he maintained a physically strenuous under-the-table job while receiving this government aid ... in addition to alimony from an ex who had a low-paying job and primary custody of their child.
I also learned that when transporting his child long-distance by car, he did so without a valid driver's license and didn't see it as a problem to rectify. He also grew 'weed' for sale, drank to excess, 'fibbed' about his interest in pornography, viewed all law enforcement workers with extreme contempt, and the list went on and on. Again, these are all things that I wouldn't think twice about in a friend or judge him/her for, but they weren't a good fit for me when it came to a husband and life-mate.
The real issue was that I kept overlooking each new kernel of information because I was already invested in the relationship and cared deeply about the lovable man in question.
In short, I failed to heed my intuition's red flag because the 'issues' were wrapped in such a pleasant package. It's easy to now cry, "What was I thinking," but in truth, I was unaware of the depth of the situation until we were very involved. I'd just never known anyone who lived that way and it took awhile for it to sink in that it was not a temporary situation, and that he fully intended to continue in that lifestyle.
As it turns out, the relationship ended for other reasons—reasons that I wasn't able to sidestep in the way I'd done with that red flag. Thank goodness life intervened and put a stop to our unhealthy union, and did so without us entering into matrimony.
The point here is, when you get a gut feeling or your intuition tells you something that doesn't seem to make practical sense, listen. You may be spared a whole lot of anguish, or even propelled forward into a wonderful new experience. Forget the pros and cons list and go with what your soul is telling you. That way you'll never go wrong ... even if you don't see the full picture for ages to come.
It's never too late to listen.
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment