The Monster in the Mirror

Let's face it, sometimes, despite our very best ongoing efforts, we crash and burn and utterly fail. That's what I've been doing the last two months.  

I thought I'd had a pretty challenging last few years, and was grateful that every now and then I felt I was progressing in one way or another; though I also experienced the occasional bout of abject defeat and despair. A point came when I knew I needed to put the brakes on where work was concerned, as I was becoming increasingly unwell and working outrageous hours.

So I did just that — did the smart thing, the responsible thing — issued myself a cease and desist order on work so that I could get better. I felt sufficiently self-satisfied with my practicality, looking forward to increased wellness of body, mind and spirit.

Only, things didn't work out as I'd planned. Rather, my whole world turned upside down and instead of getting the longed-for (and seemingly needful) R&R, I was thrown additional challenges — ones that I knew in my heart I was not up to. I saw my usual sunny disposition turn to resentment and simmering rage as I daily failed to handle the situations presented. The drama reached an awful crisis point and I am bewildered as to what to do about it all next.

But you know what? I'm not going to give up. I may not have a clue as to how to rectify things, but experience has taught me that if we don't handle a challenge, it will handle us. And if we just walk away from an opportunity for character growth, chances are similar opportunities will appear in our lives until we handle them once and for all. 

I may not like who I see in the mirror right now, but I'm not giving up on her, however monstrous she now looks. And I'm confident that eventually, the beauty of my desire to do better will defeat the beastliness I now feel. Hugs to all who are going through something similar.